


Chapter Twelve: The Ephiphany: Yayo Edition, Alternative Take

by BlackVitriol



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: AU, It’s not good vs evil it’s top vs bottoms aka the real fucking war, Multi, i wrote this in one go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 15:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVitriol/pseuds/BlackVitriol
Summary: Sabrina fights the true battle within the Church and sets her goals on being Top Boy





	Chapter Twelve: The Ephiphany: Yayo Edition, Alternative Take

It all started in a HORRID, DREADFUL, morning. Sabrina awoke from her slumber, in perfect makeup and most certainly not drooling and got up from bed.

“It’s time for a little chaos” she supplied, after taking an extremely long bath in her favorite tub (named the Porcelain Throne II). 

“Salem, tell me what outfit suits me. I’m going for reformed hipster from Urban Outfitters who graduated from Forever 21 and Hot Topic” she asked, not making any sense to the FETID feline. 

Sabrina began to spin. Salem had no comments, but did meow the cat equivalent of a “get fucked” when Sabrina’s 8th spin had her reeling to the trash cans and subsequently vomiting. 

“Fuck you, Salem” she added curtly, before descending the stairs for breakfast.

 

In the kitchen, Aunt Zelda was reading the paper, Aunt Hilda was busy with breakfast and Ambrose was eating cereal, all in peaceful silence.

Sabrina could not, and would not, stand for it. She took in a deep breath and screamed at the top of her lungs. As predicted, Hilda hit her head on the stove as she took out some baked goods, Ambrose’s cereal bowl went flying and Aunt Zombie’s newspaper rustled like an angry, black and white exotic bird.

“Morning Aunties.....and Ambrose” said Sabrina, strolling in.

“Deafening morning more like it” said Aunt Zero, rolling her eyes. She took in Sabrina’s outfit briefly.

“And since when do you wear black? Trying to be edgy?” Asked Aunt Zen, as Sabrina sat down next to her.

“I don’t need an edge. I am a knife. I AM THE EDGE” countered Sabrina. “Also it makes the vomit less noticeable” 

Aunt Zealot sniffed. Hilda intervened.

“Shouldn’t ya be gettin' on to 'axter high with fuckin Theo, Roz n' Har-“

Ambrose retched loudly.

“You can say his name........mostly because I don’t remember him...”

“Harvey?”

“Really? It wasn’t Harry?” Questioned Sabrina, cocking her head

“I presumed it was Harold” shrugged Aunt Zoo

“I liked Hermione the best” quipped Ambrose

“As it so happens, I was thinking of focusing on my witch studies more exclusively....for a while” said Sabrina

“For what reason, luv?” Asked Aunt Hilda, puzzled. 

“At Baxter High I study geometry....At the Academy of Unseen Arts, I study how to destroy the shadowy patriarchy that our religion is based upon....fuck Baxter, they can kiss my ballsack” shrugged Sabrina.

“There will be no testicle talk in the table!” Bristled Aunt Ziplock

“...not even ball babbling?” Asked Sabrina quickly. Aunt Zimbabwe threw her a fixed glare.

“.....I loathe you” snarled Aunt Zone. She rose from the table dramatically, red locks catching the gloomy sun outside.

“Well! As exciting as this all may be, at least we can take you with us to the Academy and save gas. We are due to appear regardless, as Father Blackwood would like to introduce us to the other faculty members before First Assembly” she said crispily. 

 

Father Blackwood’s eyeliner game was Billie Joe Armstrong level perfection as he began to talk. Normally Sabrina would tune him out and, then challenge whatever feast or ritual she seemed to know nothing about despite being raised by witches, but today she decided, for the heaven of it, to get in some context, then ruin the first day.

“FOUL morning, to you, my young warlocks and witches, could I have your attent-“

“THIS IS BARBARIC HOW DARE YOU JUST OUTRIGHT DEMAND OUR ATTENTION-“ began Sabrina before Nick pulled her down from her chair.

“Wait wait, not yet, you skipped ahead in script” he said.

“....okay anyways.....with every new cycle, comes the customary election of a new Top Boy, tasked with serving as a liaison between students and faculty, as well as providing a much-needed example for the rest of you lot” 

Father Blackwood raised his unmanicured hands.

“The floor is open for nominations!”

Instantly, one twink warlock chimmed in.

“Nick cuz he’s thick!”

A verse added in as well

“Nick cuz he’s thick!” 

Aforementioned warlock blushed. 

“Oh my god stop....it’s not that thick”

“I’m sure your head is” added Sabrina. 

“As candidate for Top Boy, the Academy recognizes Nicholas Scratch.....would anybody like to challenge Nicholas?” 

Literally a second later, he continued.

“Alright well, then, if young master Nicholas accepts his nomination-“

“Wayment.....hol’ up” drawled Sabrina.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, we’re not even ten fucking minutes into this episode and you already wanna start?!” Yelled Father Blackwood.

“That’s literally the entire reason I woke up this morning and what fuels me, so yes, I wanna start....can anybody run?”

“Literally, yes, but traditionally, the Top Boy is a male student-”

“But is that an actual rule in the book or-“

“All Top Boy candidates are required to be full-time tops, Miss Spellman, not deluded, self-proclaimed....versatiles such as yourself, who are committed to the UNHOLY holes they must penetrate”

“Well, I’ll be a top, full time. I signed that moldy tome so I wants what I wants” countered Sabrina.

“You, “wants”, to interrupt first assembly?”

“I WANTZ recognition. WOMEN can be tops, even with men”

Father Blackwood chuckled.

“A woman’s place is beneath, Miss Spellman, surely Mr. Scratch’s...”devil’s horn” has taught you that?” Asked Blackwood.

“This vag has not met it’s match. And while I’m sure Nicholas has plenty to offer, my strap and I are ready to offer complete servitude to the Church’s Chicken of the Night”

“I nominate Sabrina!” Said Nicholas eagerly.

In the banister, Prudence snapped out of her hazy day dream of Sabrina’s strap.

“I second that!”

“I don’t mind a little competition, especially not when it’s so obviously a bottom” said Nick, batting his eyelashes.

“Oh my god, I’m literally going to make you my bitch” seethed Sabrina, hand closing around the handle of her strap in her bag. Her hand was already feeling for the settings. 

“....fine, literally fucking fine, the Academy recognizes Bottom Spellman and Nicholas Scratch for a topping off”

“It’s Sabrina!” 

“Whatever. We’ll hold this in the desecrated church. Dismissed” said Blackwood, exhausted as he glided off the steps like a bat. 

Sabrina let her bag drop, freeing Mr. Pointy. 

Aunt Zebra’s mouth dropped as a glittery, massive, dildo was set free, jiggling and waggling in the air like an obscene, rubber car dealership’s air dancer. Aunt Hilda swore, something Sabrina still couldn’t understand as her Chav was rusty. She expertly manipulated it like a nunchuck and pointed it at Nicholas. The Pussy Pulverizer Ultra Deluxe 9000 was no joke and Nick suddenly wavered in it’s power. Real recognized real and Mr. Pointy looked very familiar.

“Get ready for me to top your socks off!”

“We’ll see Sabrina....” laughed Nicholas nervously.

“Hey, his devil’s horn is-“ began Dorcas right before Prudence stepped on her foot. 

“Now now sisters, the true entertainment will begin tomorrow...” she warned cryptically, committing Mr. Pointy to her spank bank and in her savings account.


End file.
